There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.
~ Mother Teresa
What is your love advert look like?
If you (as a lady) have a history of attracting charming but cruel men, your ad could be:
WANTED: Hi there! Do you like hurting the one you love? Are you interested in a long, drawn out, painful relationship fraught with multiple break-ups and reconciliations? I am looking for someone to make me miserable. I am not picky, addictions welcome.
If you (as a man) have a history of getting controlling drama queens:
WANTED: Do you like to blame everyone else for what went wrong in your life? I am looking for an immature, sexually damaged woman who will whine and complain 24 hours a day. Obsessions are a definite plus. You must be good at jumping out of moving cars, hanging up on me on the phone and
throwing temper tantrums in expensive restaurants. Don’t worry to interrupt me; nothing is more important than your latest crisis.
Research has shown that between birth and 5 years, you received 50% of your emotional programming, at age 8 another 30%. So, at age 8 you are 80% programmed psychologically. (Decisions you made about yourself and others) Between 8 and 18, you can add another 15%, thus 95% in total. So, for the rest of your life you have another 5% to work on! The good news is that you can use that 5% to understand the 95% of your mind that is unconscious. Most of our poor love choices come from the 95%. But once you understand WHY you’ve been doing what you’ve been doing, you will be free to change your behavior permanently.
There are reasons why we end up with the partners we have or had. Because of the 95% programming, it is not bad luck, or by accident or repeatedly because of co-incidence. In a way we get what we asked for. You must look at your behavior that created your choice. So, when you understand why you make your love choices, then only can you be free to make new and better ones, using the 5% to change the 95% programming. Our life experiences cause us to make decisions about yourself and others. The combination of all these decisions is our emotional programming and this cause us to make certain love choices.
Over a 40-year period, I experienced a lot, read a lot, and tried a lot. And despite being divorced, I still believe in love, I still believe in commitment and I still believe in long-term relationships or even marriage.
But I came to the conclusion that loving relationships are only sustainable when you are healed from the wounds that keep you stuck, the other person cannot heal you. Falling into one relationship to the other will prolong the healing. It is like putting plasters on all the time, and the plaster keeps on
falling off. You are who you are, so is the other person. You cannot force somebody to love you, you must be lovable in the first place. And being loveable is loving yourself, like yourself, do things for yourself. Being in touch with your own inner gold, will make you attractive.
How to make better choices.
- Be aware of love myths:
We all want to be so right in what we do. As I mentioned we are programmed in fixed belief systems. So, an important departure point must always be: “Maybe I am wrong” Otherwise it becomes again a scenario of same shit, different person.
Some myths on true love:
True love conquers all (a relationship needs compatibility and commitment)
You will know it the moment you meet the other person (it just takes a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time. You need time to look for the right qualities)
Only one true love in the world who is right for you (there are many potential partners you could be happy with)
The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way (the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them)
When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love (Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does. The risk here is being not compatible)
Take fatal flaws seriously:
This can make a relationship challenging from the start and usually end up in nightmare.
Addictions (love triangle, you, him and his addiction)
Mental disorders (mood, anxiety, personality, psychotic)
Anger (it will keep you as a hostage)
Victim consciousness (blaming)
Control freak (her way or the high way)
Sexual disfunction (flirting usually ends up in cheating)
Has not grown up (debt, promises, forgets, procrastinator, parent)
Emotionally unavailable. (just a living arrangement)
Has not recover from a past relationship (anger, guilt, competition)
Emotional damage from childhood (religion, divorce, death)
Know it will cause problems. Do you want it? Take the medicine early. Move on till you find the quality.
- Updating your life’s toolkit (resources, universal truths)
I mean on a regular basis, make sure you empower yourself with knowledge and understanding. Learn from the past, confront issues, or go for help.
You cannot have your cake and eat it.
No fast-forward buttons
Do not work too hard at it either
Give what you want
Accept reality, be mindfully present
Recognise damaging behavior, do not punish your partner for your previous partners sin
Take the medicine early (know when to move on)
Be aware of your programmed belief systems. If you don’t like something, change your viewpoint
Never take your mate for granted
Time shows compatibility
Have a balance
Develop an us, moving from I to We
Love languages of BOTH partners
o Words of Affirmation
o Physical Touch
o Acts of service
o Quality Time
o Receiving Gifts
- Look at the following qualities in a mate:
Commitment to personal growth
Maturity and responsibility
High self esteem
Positive attitude towards life
Take time to reflect on your own internal programming and how this affects your relationship search. Learn from the past, but realise the future is a clean slate. Healing take time at your own pace. But you have a choice, you do not have to dwell in the valley for too long. Take a first step. Be creative, take some risk, follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today. Anon
Willie Snyman, 4 October 2018.
(Speech delivered at Pretoria Singles Club, The Place, Newlands)
4 October 2018. Based on research and personal life experience.
Empowering books to read:
Are You the One for Me. Barbara de Angelis.
The Five Love languages. Gary Chapman
The Road Less Travelled. Scott Peck
Intimacy and Desire. David Schnarch
The Power of Now. Eckart Tolle
Things that matter most, must never be at the things that matter least – Goethe
I help you with inner-change solutions towards your journey in personal mastery (Executive Coach and Mediator)